As allies and advocates, we’d like to engage in dialogues on equity and justice with our beloved friends and families. But we also know that such conversations can be particularly tense if our friends and family have not taken the time to examine their privileges. In this Ally Tips, we want to encourage you to reflect on how you’ve approached these conversations, what we know about how/why they happen, and ways that you can prepare for any potential conversations you might encounter. Going into critical (i.e.,difficult) conversations without preparing will often lead to conflict. Knowing this, we often respond to these situations with silence. Allyship is a practice that needs to happen in all parts of our lives, requiring the intentionality to show up and educate our peers/communities with privileged identities about sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, and other systems of oppression that shape our world. Therefore, being prepared for critical conversations is part of being an ally.
How have you responded to critical conversations in the past?
How do you normally respond to conversations that become tense? What about when you’re talking about social justice and equity? We call these equity-focused conversations “critical conversations” (rather than “difficult conversations”) because we must remember that the discomfort we as allies might feel, while valid, is not comparable to the experiences of marginalized communities. The combined privilege that you have from the identity/identities you hold and your position to influence and encourage your friends and families to become allies. You may be the first person talking to a loved one about a particular issue or may be the first to talk to them from “the other side.” Your intentionality can have the potential to open them up to other understandings of the world. If we avoid these conversations because of anticipated discomfort, we are putting our own comfort ahead of those to whom we say we are allies. It is our duty to lean on the privileges and trust we have in our communities to challenge others with privilege by engaging in these meaningful, critical conversations.
Why do critical conversations about social justice become tense?
A fundamental aspect of any conversation about social justice is recognition of systems of oppression and privilege, including how you benefit from your position within those intersecting systems. Being faced with the reality of social hierarchy and marginalization can create immense cognitive dissonance for those who have not previously unpacked their privilege, including making them feel as though their position in life was not earned.1 When people with privileged identities are faced with the cognitive dissonance associated with uncovering their position(s) of privilege, it is not uncommon for them to engage in behaviors like denial, deflection, rationalization of privilege, intellectualization of privilege, defense based on one’s “principles,” false envy, benevolence about privilege, and minimization of the reality of privilege.2,3 How these defenses are deployed can also be examples of how people (sub)consciously use their privilege to protect themselves from scrutiny (e.g., white women using their tears for sympathy while being called out for racism).4, 5, 6 Recognizing these defenses is a key step in preparing for social justice conversations, so that you know what to look out for when you are trying to help others understand inequity and privilege in our society.
Change: Preparing for critical social justice conversations
- Consider what’s holding you back from having these conversations: There are numerous reasons that prevent allies from even considering whether to broach a social justice topic with their friends and families. Before attempting to have a conversation about inequity, ask yourself how knowledgeable you feel about the topic, how strong your relationship is with the other person, and how you might address conflict should it arise. This guide from the Southern Poverty Law Project provides wonderful self-assessment tools to identify what might be holding you back from having critical conversations and can be translated to a variety of spheres of your personal and professional life. Being upfront with yourself about your comfort with topics of diversity, equity, and social justice will better prepare you to actually engage in critical conversations and should be a regular practice of self-reflection that reveals areas for growth on your own allyship journey.
- Use the ABCs of critical conversations: Much like how educators are intentional in how they structure their course content, we can all become more intentional about how we approach others in conversations about privilege, inequity, and social justice. The ABC model of Crucial Conversations – Agree, Build, Compare – can provide guidance on how to more effectively have these conversations by promoting empathic listening. AGREE points to identifying commonalities between your position and that of the other person, making them feel that they have been heard (even if you don’t agree with them); these often relate to core values, such as “equality,” that you both may hold. BUILD translates to building on this commonality by pointing out missing pieces of information. For example, perhaps the other person is missing key understandings about the experience of a marginalized community and you introduce these experiences into the conversation as additional layers to the issue. COMPARE emphasizes taking a non-accusatorial look at how your positions differ (including as a result of upbringing) and encouraging empathetic perspective-taking; if, for example, you both hold the value of equality, you might talk with the other person about how their view of equality differs from your own, particularly in light of the perspectives you shared during the Build stage. Consider how you might incorporate the ABCs when addressing the defenses of privileged identity we mentioned earlier and use this handout for tips!
Weekly Resources
- Article: Before allyship: A model of integrating awareness of a privileged social identity– This article offers a theoretical model and roadmap to facilitate critical awareness of prejudice and discriminatory behaviors of individuals with privileges.
- Book: Little book of dialogue for difficult subjects—This book offers practical guides on how to have conversations on difficult subjects such as politics and religious belief.
- Video: A storyteller’s approach to facilitating conversations on Racism – Lachelle King shares her experiences as a social justice educator and the power of storytelling to shift the perspectives of those with privilege.