Although we carry good intentions, there are times when we make mistakes—misgendering someone, forgetting to credit the person who originally shared an idea, and so on. When allies realize that they have misstepped and harmed minoritized colleagues, they are often perplexed about what to do and may feel ashamed for having caused such harm. It’s understandable that, on the path to becoming better allies and advocates for equity, we are bound to make mistakes. In many of these cases, there may not be a way to retract the negative impact of the mistake—an apology may be the only action an ally can take in this case. Apologies are important because they give hope to your colleague(s) that the incident won’t repeat itself in the future. So, in this episode of Ally Tips, we will suggest healthy steps for apologizing as allies for the mistakes you’ve made to your colleagues.
Types of Apologies
When being called out (or “called in”) or realizing that a mistake was made, effective allies can make an apology. Apologies are “social contracts that hold you accountable. They tell others that you are taking responsibility, are open to the consequences of your actions, and plan to do better in the future.” Guide to Allyship, however,shows not all apologies are the same. Bad apologies are mere performances used to shield the ego and pride of the one who made a mistake. This type of apology centers on the interest of the apologizer to defend their intent and feel/look good. On the other hand, good apologies are sincere acts that let go of the ego and pride andcenter on the impact of the mistake rather than the intent.
Step-by-Step Guide for Making Apologies as Allies
- Center on the person harmed. This is foundational to making an apology that can begin repairing harm. Consider the feelings and context of the person harmed when you consider when/how you’ll apologize. Approaching your apology with empathetic perspective-taking will make your apology more meaningful. Never center yourself when making an apology.
- Check in with yourself. Learning to apologize without your own agenda is critical. You shouldn’t come with any goals other than recognizing the harm done. This includes not expecting forgiveness. Don’t rush to apologize without reflecting on your emotional state, or you may end up doing more harm.
- Clearly recognize the issue. Impact is always more important than intention. Rather than focusing on what you intended, make it clear you understand the harm that was done, the action that caused the harm and why that action caused harm.
- Make plans to change your behavior in the future. Based on the action and harm caused, clarify how you plan to act in the future. Though your restitution plan shouldn’t overshadow recognition of present harm, setting your intentions for future actions can show that your apology is not the last stop on making things right.
Consider how you can incorporate these suggested approaches into your life and how you can help your peers develop better apology skills as well.
Weekly Resources
Video: Getting Called Out: How to Apologize – Chescaleigh gives great examples of good and bad apologies
Article: An Ally’s Guide to Apologizing in the Workplace in 2024 –Cara Hutto shares some examples of what to say when making an apology for different situations
Book: Allies: Real Talk About Showing Up, Screwing Up, And Trying Again –This book shares 17 true stories describing the bumpy journey of becoming better allies